6.16.2005

Running From Ice Cream

So, here I am - blogging. I could never maintain a written journal, so I thought I'd try this. I really don't know who's going to read this or where it's going...but if you're reading my posts, welcome to my brain.

In all honesty, this is more of an experiment.

I'm currently taking a running class for women at a local gym. Today, while running on the indoor track, I heard one soccer-mom type encourage another soccer-mom type, "C'mon, you can do it! Just pretend you're running away from the ice cream!"

After rolling my eyes and making a pretend hurling motion, I thought, "If only that's the only thing I was running from."

You see, I seem to have a problem facing my emotions and letting them out. This problem has lead to a life-long addiction. Since I'm not hip enough to have an addiction to sex or drugs, my vice of choice is food.

It might seem like a clear-cut solution: face your day-to-day emotions, cry if you need to, laugh if you want to, get angry if it makes you feel better...but for some reason, I've been conditioned to force my feelings down. It's like they get caught in my throat and I can't breath unless I shove them down with food.

When I eat, I'm numb. When I eat, I don't have to feel anything - stress, anger, disappointment, joy, love, happiness. I just don't feel. And apparently I'm more comfortable that way.

But, alas, I'm a smart girl. I know this is no way to live a life. Herein lies my life's work. My Everest. I've been on a quest for the last two years to turn this thing around. To live life honestly and without this horrible, unhealthy dark skeleton in my closet.

So, why the blog? Sometimes it's easy not to practice the exercises I've learned to get better. Sometime it's easier to not think about my eating and emotions. So, I'm going to see if writing on this thing everyday helps. I'm wondering if I'll feel a sense of responsibility to keep it updated, thereby keeping my feelings about food in check.

At this point, I'll try anything :)

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